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The Public Ineffectual

For entertainment purposes only.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

*** Special Guest Post! ***

The American “election” results have brought forth much self-congratulatory feeling from Canadians with a distaste for the current loathsome regime. Anecdotal reports and common sense suggest that there will be a “reverse brain drain” from the divided electorate to the South (or perhaps its already started, MD?). If it all gets a bit much, however, Dr. Roy Stager Jacques (an acquaintance from a listserv I lurk on) offers some sound advice on how we might deal with the possible flood from the south of “bluebacks” drawing on the experience of the United States.

You may leave comments for him below or thank him directly on roystagerjacques[at]yahoo.com

A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR OUR CANADIAN BRETHREN

It seems that Canada is poised for a demographic invasion across its Southern border, an invasion against which you Canadians may be ill-prepared. Since the end of the Viet Nam war, the only significant illegal traffic across these borders has been Canadians heading home from American malls and liquor stores so, having lived three years in Arizona, I'd like to share some of our experience with Southern invasions, in order to help our brethren to the North deal with this "blue invasion" in the spirit of compassionate conservatism.

1. Our border to the South is half the size of yours and we still can't police it effectively. Don't even try. Simply declare all Americans in Canada to be "illegal aliens" unless and until they spend five years studying for citizenship. Then deport them when they show up at citizenship classes. What the hell, they're illegal.

2. But during that time, be aware that they will attempt to steal the least desirable and lowest paying jobs from real Canadians. When you find them working illegally in Canadian businesses, take them away from their families and drop them somewhere in Northern Idaho or Montana (BTW, Is "Idaho" the feminine, first person of "he da man"?).

3. Build a 4,000 mile long fence. Sure they'll crawl through it, but it's a symbol. Of what? Let's say it's a symbol of welcome. Down here, we prefer wire, but you might consider cedar, since these actions will result in tariffs that kill your American market for cedar shingles.

4. Put just enough armed Mounties on the fence that "bluebacks" will have to hire guides -- you might choose to call them timber wolves -- to take them across. Sure, every now and then you'll come across a Dodge Caravan in Southern Manitoba with 23 human popsicles who were cheated of their money and abandoned by their timber wolf when the transmission blew, but democracy comes with a cost, eternal vigilance and all that. Besides, they don't vote.

5. Until bluebacks can earn citizenship, make it almost impossible for them to get a blue card allowing them to legally work in Canada. This will guarantee that you will have a compliant and dependable source of labor for your most menial jobs: salad prep in your restaurants, dry cleaning your suits with toxic chemicals, economically harvesting your crops (where 689 bluebacks = 1 combine), and, of course, day labor. When you see a cluster of people on a street corner wearing tattered $700 suits (CN$5,000), shouting brazos fortes at passing trucks, you will know you are heading in the direction of multicultural inclusiveness.

6. Regularly raid businesses known to employ bluebacks, not often enough to affect profitability, but enough that the workers are ready to run at a moment's notice. I don't know what you'll call the raiders; what's the English language equivalent of la migre? Such raids will help build a strong economy by offering employers the ability to hire workers at less than your minimum wage, to deny benefits and, when times are hard, to withhold paychecks entirely. Who's a blueback going to complain to, the police?

7. Once bluebacks are entrenched as an integral part of the economy, take back what is yours. Why should illegal aliens have access to your welfare system? If they need food, let them go back to Boston. Above all, ban bluebacks from your healthcare system. How do you think American healthcare became the most expensive in the world? No, not governmental incompetence, biotech greed or pork barrel politics to help the beleaguered drug multinationals. It was by treating poor people for morbidity related to poverty. Of course your fields are filled with toxic chemicals. If they cared about their health, why did they pick the crop? Why do they choose to live on cheap sugar, salt and fat. After they've destroyed their circulation by choosing Big Macs instead of Pacific salmon on a bed of mixed greens for lunch down at the car wash, are you going to pay hundreds of thousands of public dollars to solve problems that belong South of the border? Let the Blue States carry the blue man's burden.

8. Consider setting up a free trade zone between Lethbridge and Winnipeg, where blues without the aggressiveness to become bluebacks can make door handles for Ford of Canada and egg salad for Bob Evans restaurants for far less than overly-entitled Canadian workers would demand. In addition, such a remote blue zone, with workers dependent on two-hour van rides from settlement sites, would produce a loyal, dependable and intrinsically motivated work force. They can still send money back to their families in Berkeley so that their children will have a chance at success; the American Dream has always been multi-generational; what can you do about it?

This is your time, the dawn of the Canadian Century. Look at the glorious maple leaf waving in the breeze. That color doesn't run. Stand united (Ecoutez, Quebec!). God bless Canada. You have an obligation to lead the world. Don't fail us.


…but who wrote your national anthem, Leonard Cohen? Talk about slit-your-wrist music! Could you maybe get Celine Dion's people to punch it up a bit?

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