"I fight not with the world. The world fights with me" *

I told Stevey today that I've kind of "got the wobbles" about this whole blogging business. It was born partly as an exercise in opening up; to live through the realisation that there is precious little to feel ashamed for or to hide in this world. Warren speculated that I would make the transition from "this is what I did" (see entries about hair and nails) to "this is what i thought". I think I'm going to amp it up a notch to "this is how I feel."

Right at this moment, I'm really fucked up. I'm sad and I'm shaken. I'm staring out at the screen through a haze of regret and longing. I look like a horrendous weepy mess and I'm doing it in public - again! It was bad enough when I had the excuse of a movie for my emotional state... But when you put these things out into the Universe, the Universe has a way of trying test your commitment (not my long suit!). I performed a couple of interpersonal chores today and was feeling like quite the Woman of Action. After my dentist appointment, I wanted to go to a cafe and sit down and complete a relatively jovial post that has been in draft form for some time now.

Instead, I got side-tracked by a coffee with someone who hurt me terribly many moons ago and my evening went to shit...

Confronted with all the things I love(d) about him and as well as all those things that I can't seem to forgive him for put me in a bad state. I feel (all too) human because still he has the ability to make me smile, make me laugh and make me cry. A bit like how my heart jumped for a second when I thought they were going to play "Fantasy" by Mariah Carey. There is something about that song I like in spite of myself. But the feeling was, needless to say, amplified umpteen fold.

I have to bear the responsibility for how I feel because it's the culmination of years of miscommunication and denial. I don't think he could have realised he broke my heart because I never let him know that he even had the power. Would he/could he have been different if he had known? He claims not to be a "mind reader" and I believe him. But how can he not have known? He also claims to know me better than most people will in this life (perhaps true) and for one reason or another doesn't run screaming from the room. I commend his strength of character and intestinal fortitude. He said he always liked me because I was never the burdensome girlfriend who cried about every little thing but, lord knows, when I cried in the past, he was an Asshole. We have competing versions of history, unsurprisingly. One thing we can agree on is that we some amazing times together. I still can't figure out how to feel about him.

I got to say a few things I should have a while ago when I just put it down to him being a World Class Prick (who ALWAYS retreats into semantics when the going gets rough, which annoys the FUCK out of me...). That might just be enough for me. I didn't give him my phone number even though he tried hard to get it. He still cares for me and I for him. I'm not sure if I have the guts to risk getting closer. ("Eject! Eject!) Stakes is high.

I have a lot of regret in my heart and now I sit here and I drink alone and write my post. What a scene. I pictured my evening quite differently. I pictured it all differently.


* Buddha