Letting Go

As soon as I gave myself permission to eat, I wasn’t hungry anymore. As soon as I gave myself permission to stop, all I wanted to do was keep going. As soon as I gave myself permission to sleep, I remembered the name of the Fine Young Cannibals’ lead singer: Roland Gift. I wrote about habits of mind before but now I have a fuller understanding of how it applies to me.

I choose a path and I stick with it for much longer than I ought, believing this to be steadfast and admirable. But if I become less comfortable with said path as I start down it, I don’t stop to think about it because that would mean I made a mistake. And that’s bad, right? Its good to be right, right? I find myself in a situation of an unnatural lock down where I simply imprison myself. You must. You must. You must. But its MY cage and I even find myself defending it at times. I smother inklings that I should change course, preferring to carry on in an attempt to live up to the ideal of what I started, only with none of the original conviction and zeal. Only by forcing myself to choose and not judging myself for it, makes it less of a struggle.

I'm learning, slowly.