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The Public Ineffectual

For entertainment purposes only.

Friday, July 08, 2005

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I wrote an email the other night; an emotionally draining, long and difficult email. I wrote to someone I care deeply about because I was having trouble concentrating on the task at hand. I thought it might help to say what was truly on my mind.

It wasn't one of my prettiest moments - I brought up issues we've danced around forever and I hope against hope that I was coherent. I cross my fingers that I didn't hurt or offend. I fear I haven't represented myself well and will later be asked to defend myself. Something possessed me to think that he ought to have this insight into my life; even if I show nothing but strength in vulnerability. It was a voice of sincerity, tinged with sadness that I dare not show - we are both incredibly stoic. It felt like a leap of faith, an act of abandon which made me wonder in turn, "when did the stakes get so high?".

I realised that such a moment - not in spite of but because of its flaws - would be of value to someone whom you are determined to have in your life. Those whose intimacies are worth securing even at the expense of your own false pride can only be nurtured through exposition and dialogue - not telepathy. They say that if you have the courage to state your wants and needs, you truly stand a chance at having them. This is a theory worth testing.

I hope my dad writes back soon.


At 2:45 AM, Blogger Vila H. said...

I'm sure he will. Bravo to you for finding the courage to write first.

At 7:19 AM, Blogger anninator said...

What you wrote is really touching. Sometimes the hardest thing can be to say what we really feel to someone that is or we want to be close to. I second the bravo.

At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow. bravo.
I wish I'd had the chance...

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Oblivia said...

Wow - thanks for the show of support guys, both on and off-blog. I think I hit a nerve.

Waiting, waiting, waiting....


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